What have I been doing today?
On a lovely day in my glorified eating disordered life, have I been:
Eating healthy delicious fruit and fat-free yoghurt for breakfast
Eating stuff that makes me feel unhealthy
Eating more of that shit
Going grocery shopping with my mom
Finding a new binge-food (Crunchy wholegrain muesli with almonds)
Eating that when getting home
Eating a grapefruit and cottage cheese
Urge to purge
Eating more muesli while drinking coke zero
MY LIFE IS SO FUCKING FULL OF NICE EXPERIENCES THAT NORMAL YOUNG PEOPLE HAVE LOTS OF AT MY AGE. OH GOSH I CAN’T WAIT TO TELL MY CHILDREN ABOUT THE WILD LIFE I HAD AS A TEENAGER.
Sometimes, I really miss him, wishing we would still be together. When I was telling him about all this I was/am going through, him never giving it much thought, but seeing it as a way to change the subject, to how he had been dealing with low-self esteem when he was little kid (who hasn’t?). That changes my mind every time.
Then I think, I really just miss what we had. But what was that even? Arguments, him wanting me to feel bad for him? What for? He wasn’t the one afraid to be around other people, he was not the one being judged by everyone, struggling to be accepted in his gang of friends.
Then I come to the conclusion, that I just miss that. Something, someone, to hold on to, it’s not even about kissing, cuddling or sex. Just about someone who makes my feelings a mess (more than they’re now) only to puzzle them all together again. The way he’ll walk in the room and I’ll loose my breath for a few moments. But, hahaaaaaaa, who’m I even kidding, I am a socially awkward fat ugly weird “thing” that people don’t talk to, when it’s allowed outside the walls hiding it.
Just got back from a 2km run. The weather is really nice, so running along the sea was beautiful. I’m gonna do some stomach, back and arm exercises later.
I feel so disgusted by my intake today, would’ve liked to be at least under 500. It’s crazy. A normal person would’ve thought they’d eaten so little. My weight has dropped 5kilos, but my appearance is more or less the same. My lower stomach is my biggest problem. Too wiggly (such an disgusting word, although a good description to mine). Maybe it’s the outcome from my many purges. I just wanna be skinny for the festival and when school begins, please, please, please.
Chinese grapefruit 150kcal
Low fat tuna 70kcal
Cottage cheese 150kcal
Dark chocolate 153kcal
Water intake: 3 litres